So first of all what people should know is that I hate to feel regret or guilt - Never felt any thing so horrible than regret. So in most my actions to people - I try so hard to do things which would not make me regret. But Don't get me wrong, this is not coz i have to - but because I want to. This generally treating people with kindness and compassion! But then this is where It goes wrong and in fact I hurt and mistreat people. My heart and My brain works differently - Never together. I base an situation with logical and emotional but I don't base my descisions on them both. Confused ? okay - So here is an common scenerio which I have in various of occassion. I am seeing an fellow Male classmate that i recognise , we are the only ones waiting for the class to start - we are early and no one is here. In my head ( logical side ) says " Okay this is awkward - just greet him but don't get too friendly coz in the end of the day - you know co-mixes not allowed so don't be very informal . Then my heart says (emotion ) : " But thats Rude and you don't want him to have a bad representation of you .. your not like that ..."
There is a like about 4 mins discussion of in my head . Then I give up and take the emotional side and start chatting to the dude for a bit - on the basis of being friendly.
I go home and rethink what I done - I totally feel regret - Lol the same feeling I was trying to avoid comes to me. Why the regret ? Because - I compromised apart of what I believe to make what i assume someone happy. On the same night, I promise myself such thing won't happen coz I will use my Logical side this time and be formal and less overfriendly .
Next Day, I see the same guy heading towards me and sits next to me in the lecture. What do I respond with - A Cold shoulder . I can see an Confused face from the guy and then he questions me why i am not talking to him as much as yesterday. My heart drops ! - Same regret feeling - the Feeling that i was trying to get rid came again !
This reality comes to me from day to day life. I want to be the all rounded like person but I compromise something in the end - if its not a friendship then something i believe in- my faith !
I do get the odd " ermm... why am I not on your friend list anymore ... do u not like me ... i mean you spoke to me yesterday" - kills me each time - not coz of the question because I really don't no what I stand for and be assertive. In reality , the risk of trying please everyone else - is that I won't please anyone !
I think I have to remember that people respect others when they are no what they stand for ! Trying to make everyone Happy is an job not even the World leaders can't even do !
- Note to self : " Some people will like you and some won't - Move on But people will guarantee to hate you if you make false promises . In the end of the day - Only Try pleasing whats important to you- in my case - Allah !
Thought I needed get that out of my System!